my one year anniversary....with the concrete jungle

its hard to believe that ive been here almost a year. i feel like while in new york, i have spent a lot of money on accessories, clothing blah blah. starting december 1 (or maybe sooner) i am going to take a picture of myself everytime i leave the house to see how often i wear all the clothes i have purchased while living here. if i find that i haven't worn an item in over 6 months.....ITS GOING BACK TO CALIFORNIA!!!!

dark chocolate hierarchy

i went on a dark chocolate purchasing binge the other day because im not a huge fan of milk chocolate and the generic candy bars out there and i also heard dark chocolate is better for your chocolate cravings.

i buoght a bag of hersheys individually wrapped sugar free chocolates, a bar of cadburry, and a bar of dove.

id have to say that the hersheys sucked and cadburry is creamier than the dove and came to the conclusion that

cadburry > dove > hersheys

last week jan's sister elaine brought us a box of chocolates that jan had purchased in belgium. dark chocolate, apparently all cocoa, very little if any sugar and it was awesome!! how can i get my hands on some of that stuff??

judgements

during my midyear review today my boss had mainly only good feedback to forward onto me from the rest of the team. the only thing she would like me to improve on is the fact that i dont talk loudly and often enough. as a kid, i always had problems raising my hand and even when i knew the answer, i would just sit there going over and over what i would say if i were to raise my hand and answer. only problem was that if i actually somehow muster up the courage to raise my hand, my rehearsed speech would only come out in this stumbled quiet mess.

i made conscious efforts to get better. i took a public speaking class that gave me some confidence. in college i definitely grew more outgoing. the workforce, is another story. i dont like to speak up and when i do i dont do it loudly enough. i dont have intelligent questions to ask. during conference calls i usually stay silent. i rationalize it as "im still learning and am trying to absorb the information". i just feel like i do have nothing intelligent to say, and i am NOt going to be one of those jerkfaces that just talks to be heard. nono thats not me.

i wish i was louder like i am in the streets and am not afraid to yell at a person or give them a piece of my mind. why is it so easy for me to be loud on the ny streets and not at work? my boss talks about how people may have these prejudgements of me because of my size and i think thats totally possible. i think i try to overcompensate for that on the streets and am always afraid that it will get me into some kind of trouble. at work the fact that i am so quiet plus my quietness...THATS whats going to get me in trouble.

security

my apartment has a lot of issues. sometimes i wonder if i had chosen another apartment instead of this one, what kind of problems i would have instead. little did i know that i was moving into the ghetto. our apartment is the only one in this super old building that was gutted and turned into something that was worth more than $2000/month in rent. ghetto apartment=ghetto tenants. my number one problem with this place isnt the cockroaches, or the flies, or the heat. nope...its the fact that the tenants dont give a shit about the security of our apartment. worst of all, apparently neither does the landlord. during the winter, the door is always ajar because the weather makes the hinges apparently unable to move. in the summer its just constantly propped open. umm hello? does no one get it that its recession, and if the apt is open, shady people can come in and jack shit/hurt people?? its common sense. ive asked the landord to at least put a sign up several times and he hasnt done it. whats wrong with these people? is it really that hard to get your key out of your freaking pocket and open the door? if my shit gets jacked im going to raise hell. i do not pay this much in rent to have to deal with this crap.

whackness in ny part 2

i have a feeling that there will be many entries of ny whackness. last night i was in a cab with some friends going from the upper west to hit up park. my friends had gotten out and i was waiting for my credit card receipt. as i was getting out the people waiting for the cab were standing there waiting for me and one a**hole started making sounds that were horrible attempts at sounding chinese. i walked up to him and said "what did you say?" and he did it again thinking i wouldnt say jack. (what a surprise) me, after 2 glasses of wine, a jack and a beer decided to cuss him out. i hate when people think that i am this little girl who will not speak up when people are just plain ignorant. i honestly dont care if i make a scene or that people will think i am a crazy person. i will not sit back and let someone be racist to me and think they can get away with it without me speaking my mind. 

btw when i ended up leaving park, the guy who hailed the cab for us remembered me as the one who got mad. ha go me for at least having one person notice.

being a ny pedestrian is whack

new york has made me a bigger asshole. on my walk home i was crossing the street and a cab driver was making a turn. just in cases you didnt know, in ny its not like in ca where you can turn left from a one way street  when the light is red. this im guessing makes cab drivers more impatient assholes. anyways, the cab literally crosses in front of me and SLOWS DOWN. and me, being the nice person i am, yells "what the fuck asshole!?" and he has the audacity to STOP in front of me and leans over to look at me. i just walk past pissed off. as im approaching the other side of the street, this hokey ass family's mom and daughter look at each other and laugh. ugh.

save me from this half life

i live to travel to different countries. if i dont take a trip at least once a year, i feel like i go a little insane. lately, i think i dont need a vacation from my job, i need a vacation from myself, from the thoughts that are inside my head.

no im not going crazy and dont have evil demons telling me to do whacko things. maybe that would be easier to deal with because that way, it would be my thoughts fighting my own thoughts. matters of the heart versus the brain are much, much worse.

i feel like i have written something similar to this entry years ago in my xanga regarding feelings versus logical, rational thoughts. as i get older i would think that i get wiser but it scares me to think that i could just be driving in circles in this space time continuum.