judgements

during my midyear review today my boss had mainly only good feedback to forward onto me from the rest of the team. the only thing she would like me to improve on is the fact that i dont talk loudly and often enough. as a kid, i always had problems raising my hand and even when i knew the answer, i would just sit there going over and over what i would say if i were to raise my hand and answer. only problem was that if i actually somehow muster up the courage to raise my hand, my rehearsed speech would only come out in this stumbled quiet mess.

i made conscious efforts to get better. i took a public speaking class that gave me some confidence. in college i definitely grew more outgoing. the workforce, is another story. i dont like to speak up and when i do i dont do it loudly enough. i dont have intelligent questions to ask. during conference calls i usually stay silent. i rationalize it as "im still learning and am trying to absorb the information". i just feel like i do have nothing intelligent to say, and i am NOt going to be one of those jerkfaces that just talks to be heard. nono thats not me.

i wish i was louder like i am in the streets and am not afraid to yell at a person or give them a piece of my mind. why is it so easy for me to be loud on the ny streets and not at work? my boss talks about how people may have these prejudgements of me because of my size and i think thats totally possible. i think i try to overcompensate for that on the streets and am always afraid that it will get me into some kind of trouble. at work the fact that i am so quiet plus my quietness...THATS whats going to get me in trouble.